Paddy Spruce

What’s the risk of replying ‘I don’t know’ when asked a question? The questioner may be miffed that you don’t know something that they expect you to know. No big deal. Pretending that you know is a far greater risk. Nowadays, we are expected to have an opinion on many things – politics, religion, defence, climate change, lockdowns etc. The media feed us with opinions.

Remember that when you don’t know or are ignorant, it is foolish to pretend otherwise. Shakespeare said it differently. If you don’t know the answer or don’t have an opinion, say so. If anyone says ‘ you should know’, you can agree with them. ” You’re right. I should know but I don’t”. Or ” I don’t have enough information to form an opinion yet.” Your ego won’t like admitting that you don’t know everything but will get used to the new, less opinionated you.

The tango is a wonderful dance but you need a partner. The ego dance is not so wonderful but again you need a partner.

Imagine someone tells you that you are mistaken or wrong. First step. You reply energetically ‘I am not wrong. You are’. Step two. Steps three and four can be more energetic. Nobody ends up a winner and it can be entertaining for bystanders especially in a restaurant. If you don’t like doing this dance then don’t take the first step or the second step.

First step ‘You are wrong’.

Instead of joining in the dance, try ‘ How am I wrong?’ or ‘Let’s agree to disagree’. Careful that your ego doesn’t colour your tone.

You can’t do the ego tango with only one ego. Don’t obey yours. You may be able to prove that you are right but you need to prove someone wrong. See if you can cope with someone thinking you are wrong when you know you aren’t. See if you can let them keep their opinion and not react.

Try waltzing where you are more in sync. ‘I would like to understand where you think I am mistaken or wrong’. Your partner steps forward and you step back.

‘Die before you die’ appears in Zen, Sufi and Christian writings. Modern day writers like Kabat-Zinn and Tolle also make the recommendation. The meaning is to let go of the you created by your mind/ego before you have to.

You ego/ mind creates expectations, a self image and attachment to things. It sees appearance as important as well as  anything that makes us feel separate from or superior to others. It likes wanting more than having.

You can let these thoughts go if you are fully present and conscious. Once you are aware of these thoughts as only thoughts , they lose their hold on you. For example, once you accept that you are ageing rather than denying or resisting, you die to the idea that you shouldn’t be ageing or that it is not completely natural.

So try letting go of expectations, hoping for a better past, always wanting more and living in the past. Your ego does like to define you by what you did in the past. Be where you are, here and now. You can only enjoy yourself in the present.

Try dying before you die and see if mortality loses some of its sting. Less fear in your life is a good thing, don’t you think?

Deal with reality and what is rather than what should be. You only create stress for yourself by wanting reality to be different.

King Canute reportedly asked to have his throne put on the edge of the incoming tide. He was going to demonstrate his power by resisting the tide. Probably not true. It does seem absurd to resist the tide, the seasons, ageing and mortality.

‘This shouldn’t be happening to me’ implies that getting annoyed at reality or what is happening is useful. It isn’t. Stuff happens and if we want to do something about it, we are better off if we start from calm acceptance rather than annoyed resistance. So acceptance is a good place to start. Skip the ” This shouldn’t be happening’ stage and either just accept or move to doing something from a calm place. If you write a long email and accidentally delete it, take a breath, look for it or just write it again…calmly. If you are asked to wait on the telephone after being told that ‘Your call is important to us’, take a breath and do something while you are waiting or hang up and try again.

Acceptance is good for your health. COVID is going to be with us for a while longer. Don’t be surprised if someone who is always late, is late again.

Stay well.

Give yourself the present as a Present this Christmas Day. James Joyce wrote “Mr Duffy lived quite close to his body” meaning that he spent more time in his mind than he did in his body. He was often not present and missed out on enjoying himself in the present.

My suggestion is that on Christmas Day you spend a lot of time in your body in the present. Focus on experiencing what is happening around you instead of wandering into past or future Christmases. Listen, eat, taste, laugh, breathe and enjoy everything that happens without distraction from your mind. You will create wonderful memories if you insist on remembering in the future. If your mind wanders, gently nudge it back into what is actually happening. Make this your best Christmas Day ever. Start when you wake up and end when you fall asleep.

Have a great Christmas Day. Stay well and safe.

Paddy