Paddy Spruce

Are you an interrupter? Do you interrupt people who are speaking to you? Do you finish their sentences? This can be frustrating if you are on the receiving end. It can look like the other person is saying that they know what you are about to say and want you to hurry up. Doesn’t it seem a little impatient or even arrogant? It might sound like you are telling the other person that you are smarter than they are or at least more articulate. It is certainly not gold standard listening.

Next time you feel like finishing someone’s sentence for them….pause and breath in slowly. The urge will pass and they can continue to speak at their pace. If they forget a word, give them time to find it. Be patient. Be calm. Especially with children or older adults.

I have asked several people about how they are coping during these uncertain times. The most common response is “Struggling”. An alternative to struggling is accepting without a struggle. Sounds trite. I suspect the struggle is triggered by a thought like ” I am over this. I have had enough. I can’t take any more”. These are thoughts that can trigger a response that is recognised as a struggle. Struggling is tiring. Accepting what is happening is accepting reality. Rejecting what is happening is rejecting reality and having a preference for something else. “I wish this wasn’t happening”.

Next time something happens that you don’t want to happen, try breathing instead of rejecting what is actually happening. Deep breathing in your tummy. Slow in and hold. Then slow out.

Do you remember King Canute. He didn’t want the tide to come in and got upset when it did. He thought he could stop the tide. There is no point in resisting what is happening or has happened. You can still take action but you will have more resources if you relax and don’t waste energy wishing something wasn’t happening to you. It happened. COVID is happening and will be with us for a while yet. We have come to accept the flu.

Acceptance is not passive. It is a great place to start any action.

If we were fearless we wouldn’t live long. Fear is very useful. It is warning device. It is helpful. Pay attention to it but don’t be ruled by it. For example, if you don’t speak up at a meeting because of fear, you miss an opportunity to contribute. If you don’t sell yourself at a job interview because of fear, you don’t get the job.

Imagine that the fear is not coming from you but is an outside warning like a sign beside the road. ‘Narrow bridge ahead’. You slow down but don’t stop. Same with fear of public speaking. Say ‘Thanks’ to the warning and make preparations. Plan for all situations. The what ifs.

Forget what I am going to say. ( Have a mind map with you on stage )

The computer won’t work. ( Make sure there is another computer available )

See my CEO in the front row. ( Assume they are there to support you )

If your  mind keeps sending you unhelpful thoughts, simply focus back on what you are doing at the present moment. Focus on your breathing.

The trick is to let unhelpful thoughts pass by without engagement. Focus on what you are doing and let the thoughts pass by like signs on the freeway.

Fear is good. Fearless is silly. Acknowledge the warning and prepare for any eventuality.

Feel the fear and keep on trucking.

If you bought a new puppy, say, a German Shepherd. Would you train it or leave it to do whatever it liked?

The human mind also needs training or it will do what it likes and distract you all day and night. You won’t ever do what you are doing with full focus or enjoyment if you don’t train your mind to focus and pay attention to what you are doing. Imagine drinking good coffee and thinking about a mistake you made at work.

A simple first step is to notice that your mind is wandering. Next step is to nudge it back to what you were doing before it distracted you. Try this when reading. If your mind wanders, say to yourself…thinking, thinking and get back to reading. You may need to read the section you missed again. Do the same when listening to anyone. Just gently notice and nudge.

An ability to focus has huge benefits. You are also likely to feel happier with yourself by having more control of your mind. Remember the German Shepherd? Imagine what it will become with no training.

A little practice every day makes a big difference.

Are you interested in improving your listening skills and looking after your brain?

Our minds wander but need training. A new puppy needs training or it will lead you.Your mind needs training or it will wander incessantly.

You and I may need to improve our attention. When our focus wanders, we need to nudge it back to what we are focusing on. We can do this by sharpening our intention. Why are we listening?  Are we helping this person to say what they are saying to us or are we looking for an opportunity to disagree?

The final sharpening of our intention will improve with kind intention. We listen with kind ears. This way we hear more and don’t get distracted by attributing negative motives. ” They are lying to me”. Kind listening allows us to delay judgement, listen more closely as well as keeping our mind open and our brain balanced.

Try it now. Think of a person who you don’t like much. Revisit your opinion through kind lenses. See if it calms your mind and helps you to listen better. You will benefit more than they do.