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Remember when you were told to be on your best behaviour? It probably meant being polite, not asking for anything, sitting quietly, not saying certain words or making certain noises. My wife works with music teachers to assist them to use music for the intellectual and emotional development of preschoolers. She told me a story about a teacher who asked a preschooler who was asking bluntly for something, ‘what’s the magic word?’

He said ‘abracadabra!!’

What is your best behaviour as an adult? I saw one survey that said that just saying ‘yes’ and doing what you are told will keep you out of mischief. It will also create a mountain of work that will crush you.

The best behaviour for managers seems to be ‘to show genuine concern for the welfare of the people who work with you’. This came from a comprehensive survey done in Britain. How would you show concern? It seems that asking questions and confirming your understanding are both excellent behaviours if you want to show concern for the people who work hard to make you look good. Of these two, confirming your understanding is marginally ahead. You could call it paraphrasing, active listening or confirming. Simply saying ‘I understand’ does not demonstrate understanding and can sound patronising. If you actually spell out your understanding in your own words, you are demonstrating understanding and if there is an emotional element, you are demonstrating empathy which has even more impact.

Can I suggest that you try active listening for a week and let me know the results? It requires skill to do this without sounding like a parrot. For example, if you ask someone to do something for you like checking a piece of writing, it would sound parrot-like to respond with ‘so you want me to check this piece of writing’? Bart Simpson would say...Duh! A better response would be something like...’so you want me to check for typos’? This leaves the person free to agree or clarify further. If you raise you voice at the end of the sentence, you are asking a question so drop the inflection to make this into a statement.

A good lead into active listening is ‘so you want me to ...’ Some other good lead in’s are:

• So you are saying that...
  
• The message I am getting from you is...
  
• What I am hearing is...
  
• Sounds like you think...
  

If you get into the practice of confirming what is being said to you, you are less likely to interrupt or argue. If you confirm the underlying emotion ‘you sound disappointed’, you are tuning into the deeper message being given. Just reflecting back on what is being said will help you to listen more carefully which is a good place to start.

Miller’s assumption says that you will listen better if you assume that everyone is telling you the truth...as it appears to them. You simply have to find out how it appears true to them.

My last suggestion is for very advanced listeners. Try asking the people who work with you ‘what can I do to improve the way I work with you’ or ‘is there anything you would like me to do differently when I am dealing with you?’ Breathe in and listen. Don’t think of a defence. Just confirm what you hear.

So you best behaviour is listening to others. This is true whether you manage, sell, negotiate, parent or simply relate. Wouldn’t you be thrilled if service providers listened to you and tried to identify your needs? The magic behaviour within this category is confirming what you have heard in your own words. Try it for a week and let me know what happens.

Good luck,

Paddy Spruce